Well, I lied. The crazy frenetic fury of the past few months that I swore would die down after States and JHUMUNC has just kept on devouring every ounce of my free time. Now instead of JHUMUNC and States, I have NHSMUN (National High School Model UN) and Nationals for IPLE. Tomorrow I'm going down to Maryland for a scholarship interview plus an info session all on Wednesday. Somewhere in this crazy mess I have to make time for schoolwork which, even though I'm a second semester senior, still seems to keep piling up. All the while the tension of future college decisions increases, with the end result being a vague nihilistic sense that everything I do now won't really matter much in a few months. Rather than feeling freed by the knowledge that my grades and activities don't matter as much anymore, instead I feel like a hamster stuck on a wheel, still furiously churning away but getting absolutely nowhere for my efforts.
My queue of half written blogposts and messy room are testaments to the insanity that has been, is, and apparently will be my life, at least for a little while longer. "Don't worry, after event X I'll have more free time" I keep telling myself, desperately trying to find the light at the end of this increasingly claustrophobic tunnel. Then event X comes and goes, and it turns out that event Y was waiting to jump in and shatter my dreams of relaxing, pressure-free weeks. I'd say at this point that after college decisions come out I'll feel better, but I know that will be a lie. Not that I anticipate disappointment, I'll honestly be happy going to any of the schools I applied to, but instead because I know that once the colleges make their decisions it will be my turn to make a decision. More tours, intense deliberation, and the fear of making the wrong choice will be my destroyers of free time. Not to mention the pressure of competing in Washington D.C. with my IPLE team, and knowing that people will be counting on me to be at the top of my game.
Most likely, my first days of freedom won't come until May. And then, oh what sweet joyous time I will spend in a dead sleep on the couch or in a stupor playing video games. Maybe I'll even get the chance to watch a movie or something like that! Until then, I really can't complain; I signed up for this madness. I just want to be able to stop saying "soon" and start saying "now."
