Now It Feels Real

I'm going to college.  I've known that for a while now, but now it's starting to feel real.  First there was touring, but that didn't mean much.  Then I applied, and that was a total timesuck.  Then, on and around April 1st I found out where I got in.  That was a stressful, hectic, but ultimately good time.  But it still didn't feel real, because I still had to make my decision.  May 1st was the decision deadline, and you'd have thought that after that I'd be set and ready, but I had a waitlist sitting at the back of my mind reminding me that there was still some shred of uncertainty about my next four years.

Well, no more uncertainty.  I know where I'm going, I've paid my deposit, and I've registered for orientation.  I've even put in my advisor request, and found myself a roommate.  I've got my school apparel and a nice drawstring which has replaced my backpack.  AP exams are over and my work is petering out; I'm settling into that awesome groove between high school and the beginning of the rest of my life.  My time now is spent enjoying friends, doing what little work my teachers use to justify teaching after APs are over (the Stranger is an excellent book though), and counting down the days until I say goodbye to high school.

Every day, as I cross out another day on the calendar that counts down to June 22nd, I look at that dwindling number with a mixture of joy, ruefulness, excitement, and apprehension.  A new chapter in my life will soon be starting, but this one isn't quite over yet, and there are definitely still some plot lines that need to be tied up.  As much as I hate to say it, there will be things I'll miss about high school; people, classes, experiences.  And to be honest, high school's essentially all I've known for the past few years of my life (outside of the few summer forays into other environments), and jumping into college will be a whole lot of change all at once.

Knowing that this change is coming has some weird side effects.  Have you ever experienced the moment when everything shifts, and you feel as if the earth has started spinning in a new direction?  Or at least, from where you're standing, you feel like you've suddenly become a stranger to your own life?  I imagine that it's like the first time you experience an earthquake; the most permanent thing you know starts to shake.  That's what it feels like to know that in a few months I'll be saying goodbye to high school, almost everyone I've known throughout my life, and the only place I've ever called home.

Besides that crazy sense that everything is changing faster than I can even recognize it, there's this crushing lack of motivation that comes with knowing that pretty much nothing that I do now will change much of anything.  They call it senioritis, and it is definitely contagious.  It's just hard to take anything high school--high school classes, high school drama, high school work--seriously when you know that in a few months you'll be in college, in the big leagues.

So the question that's staring me in the face is: now what?  How do I kill these remaining months?  How do I squeeze every last drop of awesome out of what's left?  How do solve this paradox of wanting so badly to go to college while wanting so badly not to leave my friends?  And what color bedspread should I get?  Actually, the last one really doesn't matter to me (I think I've already got a bedspread), but it's definitely a pressing question for some of my friends.

From what I can tell, the best answer is just to enjoy senior year as hard as possible.  Take the risks you've been afraid to take: cut class, write the paper that you want to write rather than the one you think you should write, go for that person you've been thinking about.  Because as much as senior year is a willpower crusher, it also liberates you.  In college no one will remember if you made a fool of yourself at a party, or embarrassed yourself in front of your friends.  Take the chance to talk to people you've never thought to talk to before; worst case scenario you never talk to them again, and maybe you'll make a new friend.  Now more than ever you can drop the act and be who you want to be, consequence-free (relatively).

Most of all, I'm going to savor every moment that I get with the amazing people that I call my friends.  This year more than any other I've realized that my friends are incredibly intelligent, talented, motivated, creative, fun, funny, and sincere, and are honestly some of the nicest people I've ever met.  Soon we'll have to say goodbye, and I'm sure that each of us will build new networks of friends who are just as great as the ones we have now, but for now I just want to enjoy the people I've spent the better part of my life getting to know.

I'm not sure what move in day will be like for me, but I am sure of one thing: that even though I'll be done with high school, part of it will still stay with me.  I just hope it's the good part, and not the part where I have to wake up at 6 am.