Meta-Blogpost

That's right, this is going to be a meta-blogpost: a blogpost about blogposting. I've kinda let my discipline slip when it comes to this blog; I started this blog just before I started my major final paper (which I might post) for the summer program I was in and have since been travelling and seeing family. But that's not the real reason I haven't been posting a whole lot. The real reason is that it takes serious effort to produce writing that you're confident enough in that you want (potentially) the whole world to read.

When I was writing my paper I came across something with my friends. I'm the kind of person who always wants a peer review. I always like other people's input, even if it's just editing for grammar: my sentences get wordy, I use too many semicolons, my sentence structure gets too complex, I write the way I speak, etc. Most of all I like having someone to tell me when things don't make sense to them the way they make sense to me. But a lot of my friends are not the same way at all. When I was trying to get peer reviewers I was offering to trade papers, but a lot of people didn't want other people reading their papers. Even these kids--who were all very clearly smart--weren't confident enough in their writing, or were too intimidated by their peers, to let others read their work.

So how does this tie in with blogposting. It's not that I don't have confidence in my writing, but whenever we produce something we're always worried about how other people will react. Whether it's art, athletics, or discussions in a group, confidence is important and hard to come by. For me, I never felt really comfortable in a sports setting. I don't mean that I'm not athletic, I've done a lot of athletics in my life, but what I mean is that I never felt fully comfortable having other people relying on or judging my athletic abilities. In a team setting I always felt like I was dragging everybody down, and I never really knew where to be on the court. But in clear contrast to that, I almost always feel comfortable in a discussion setting or really anytime I'm talking in front of people. I love Mock Trial, I'm way into Model United Nations and Model Congress, and this year I'm hopefully going to do drama as well. I'm a born bs'er, and I almost always have the confidence to voice my thoughts when I'm in class or seminar. For me, group discussion is just where I'm comfortable.

No matter how confident we are though, we're always self-conscious. I'm comfortable talking, but I'm always worrying about whether I'm talking too much, or saying things that are offensive or insensitive, or whether I sound arrogant. Our self-consciousness never goes away, and I'm thinking about those same issues when I'm writing a blogpost. Should I be writing a blog? Are people going to care, or am I just going to be that weird guy who blogs? Am I sounding pretentious, or nerdy, or just plain weird? What it boils down to is this: how are people going to react to the part of myself that I'm putting out there?

It's something we always have to deal with: how others perceive us. How do we market ourselves, how do we sell ourselves, how do we present ourselves? Clothing, appearances, attitudes, they're all deeply influenced by our social interactions. Some people cater to the audience, and they become an actor, wear the costume, and play the role that they feel will make society happy. And some people decide to give the audience the finger, and pretend that they don't care what anyone thinks of them. But whether we like it or not, we always know what the audience thinks, and that knowledge informs our decisions.

So for my part, I'll try to stay conscious of my audience, but never let them run the play. In life and in this blog, I don't intend to be shy with my opinions or my thoughts, and I never want to wear a costume that I don't feel comfortable in. As much as I try to deny labels, I'm really a thoughtful nerd, a guy who never lost his sense of natural wonder in the world, a guy who isn't afraid to challenge his beliefs or the beliefs of others, and someone who really fits the term philosopher. I don't mean old bearded men with pipes mumbling about meaningless nonsense, I mean philosophy, philo-, meaning love of, and sophia, meaning wisdom or knowledge. I honestly just love to learn, love to know, and love to share that exploration and discovery with other people. That's why I'm here, writing this blog, and I hope I'll get some people to come along for the ride!